In Pursuit Of.....

Some days I feel the world is spinning faster than others. Perhaps it's the clouds or the clocks...or the strength of the coffee. All around me are people moving. Some are walking, some jogging, some dancing. A few are bolting as if chased by the hounds of Hades itself. I wish I could step outside of my life and see it from ten feet away...evaluate my pace. Am I racing? Meandering? Lately I feel as if I'm stumbling. We're all headed somewhere, gathering pieces along the way. A smattering of our baskets are nearly empty, while others so heavy as to strain the sinews and tear at the tendons of our spines.

All in glorious pursuit.

The happiness cake. The ingredients of this confection we're attempting to bake span the skies. Careers, family, food, church....pets and vacations. Pedicures. What makes you happy? How much of it do you need? Do your ingredients change with the holidays? The day of the week? The season of life? In my early twenties I thought that laughter and oodles of noodles were enough. Then along came children and now I need responsibility and security and effort.

I feel that at times we are groping our way, peering into the murkiness as we attempt to locate what we need. Sometimes we just grab what is directly before us, and at others we search and search; inspecting each item before discarding it, scouring the mist for something else. One love....and then another. One career....and then another and another. Hobbies and children, friends and supper groups. We sift and prioritize, seeking just the right combination.

And sometimes...just when you think it's perfect. The cake implodes. You realize that what was ideal ten years ago has grown tiresome. It's tarnished....or broken. So we replace. We improve. We bolster the center and shore up the edges....and begin again.

Recently I've been simplifying my ingredient list. Those things I've designated "imperative" are getting a reassessment. I think I'm mostly struck by how shockingly different my needs are now than a decade ago. My second husband is unequivocally the opposite of my first. (seriously, the first was 5'11", blond and going bald--oh, and he's a convicted felon. The second is 6'4", long dark hair and was Naval Intelligence....hah!) And that is only the surface. There is so much I no longer care about....and more I cherish dearly. How did my ingredient list change so drastically? Is the maturation of a human soul such an evolution that it resembles nothing of what it began as? How do I choose today knowing my heart may desire differently tomorrow?

Is peace found living only in the moment? That disturbs me a bit. I feel it is within our genetic code to plan. To imagine and orchestrate and devise. But oh, how my plans have been altered! Some by elements beyond my control...but mostly by my self. In a world where I constantly seek to understand and categorize, it is my own soul that is the enigma.

And so we traverse. The path before us lined with opportunities and possibilities. We choose, we assimilate, we relinquish. We live.

"Oh, pray that what we want is worth this running,

pray that what we're running toward is what we want."
                                                          -Lucille Clifton