I suppose if you've been reading my rambling reflections as of late, you may have noticed a trend. Reassessment. This year wasn't a "big" birthday year, but I'm getting closer to one....and farther from another. The boys are becoming young men who now set their own alarm clocks and get up before me for school. (simply amazing, that) And I've had some earthquakes as well as aftershocks in my personal relationships. ("unfriending" forty people on fb, including your sister, will do that) I sense that youthful phase of believing one is invincible has passed. Mortality has introduced herself. She's lovelier than I expected.
Simply put, I think I've arrived at something of a crossroads. A point where every moment of my waking hours will no longer be spent in constant supervision of three bumbling little ones that schemed to ride big wheels off the garage roof. I'm not quite as....in demand as I once was. For so long I've been "his wife" and "their mother" that I've lost touch a bit with....me. This is such a natural part of motherhood, sometimes I think my very heart beat in time with my boys. And falling in love again swept me into that world of devotion where it gets a little blurry, the lines between he and I. However, there is a hint of a new wind in the air...
Perchance it is the whisper of spring. You can almost feel the roots beneath the soil awakening, stretching out the knots after a winter's slumber. The early bulbs have pushed their tiny green noses from the dirt, sniffing to see if the sun awaits. The rain feels different, less angry. And thus the world sets the stage for rebirth. The annual re carpeting of forest floors with blades of emerald green, crimson poppies stain the hills, daffodils spin their waltz among shards of turquoise shells fallen from nests-a-peeping. The surge of life sweeps a cloak of color across the world....and the planet breathes.
I adore this idea of rebirth. The notion that one can emerge new...transformed. I fell in love with Alice when I was eleven, her Wonderland held my heart and my dreams. Oh, how I longed for labeled bottles with sweet potions that might take my awkward klutzy six feet of knocking elbows and knees and morph me into a petite and graceful swan. *sigh* This obviously was not to be and in time I made peace with my frame, but I never lost the fascination.
I feel a change coming. A shifting of the gravity in my life. I think I'd like to dance more this summer. And wear less clothing. I'm one those planners and watchers and make-up-for-other's-mistakers....and while one never really can spurn the responsibility gene if you've had it implanted before you could walk (thank you mum and dad), I hope it is possible to find more balance.
You really do only get one round on this ferris wheel, make it count.
Embrace your Alice...