Sometimes I feel as if the sky is another shade of blue than before...but I fear it is I that has changed, not the sky. I'm not exactly sure how to pick up where I left off here - how does one play 'catch-up' and attempt to describe the color of the sky?
I resigned from my job.
A week later one of my clients shot his girlfriend in the head.
I made up my mind not to wait for permission or time or the right moment, but to finish some of my dreams. I'm painting again. And I've spent late nights and later midnights and even some very early before-dawns....and this happened. (my head is still spinning - please take a look, feedback?)
Some of it is here, some not. Parts and bits and the sinews that knit my soul together.
I'm at loose ends, looking to begin once more. I may stumble some, and trip over stones and roots and the dark lumps that sneak up on us all in the twilight that hovers before the day....but I am determined to write my future, as much as live it.
I will be back...please, what have you been up to??
The lilac trees in the neighbor’s yard are tipped with soft
green….I feel as if I’m holding my breath.Although, if truth be told, I’ve felt this way for months now.Last year didn’t end with confidence.I’ve just reread that sentence four
times.Its simplicity somehow is satisfying
while it falls chasms short of describing those months.There are moments in life that absolutely
have no words.
I don’t believe I could live in a climate that didn’t have
seasons like this part of the world – for the sheer and basic reality of
emotional stability.Every year Summer’s
igneous heat pummels the grass of our yard to a faded yellow pulp; and then
Autumn arrives with her glorious cloak of nutmeg and ocher leaves that scatter
in the smoke-scented wind.My soul soars
The frost appears, tracing icy lace along my windows,
reminding me to pull out the sweaters and Christmas garland.The holidays are magic; twined with music and
mulled wine and the glitter of starlight on snow….and then Winter creeps in.I swear he steals beneath the trees when we
sleep, his claws so hard and dark and cold.The air burns just to breathe.The
slush and grit of winter invade me; cling to my feet and drag upon my soul…and
then the lilacs bud.
Life has such seasons.I’m rather tired of winters.
Have you ever had a dream that when you awoke, you didn’t
know whether to be relieved or sad?I am
in such need of Spring that I fear I am reckless this year.I’ve torn the plastic from the kitchen window
already….there are hyacinths on my dining room table.I’ve painted my toenails.Please Lord, let Spring be near.I fear my heart cannot keep up this mad pulse
without sunlight and warmth.
Hope is a season.A
spring renewed that is astonishing in its ability to reappear after the
dark.When the storms have passed and
the wreckage is left, how amazing are the glimmers of green that forever persevere
between the fragments of our humanity.