Call Me Sasquatch

There are two quests that women in our country have. Endless pursuits that millions of dollars are spent upon every year--I swear they are actually part of our nation's fiscal picture. What are these crucial, life-long missions you ask?

The crusade for the perfect push-up bra....and great hair.

Now, I must admit complete and utter failure when it comes to quest one. *sigh* I'm sorry ladies, but my journey down this road was full of potholes and wrong turns, triple padding and once--a deflated "air pillow" that left me a tad lopsided at a black tie affair. In fact, in rebellion against the societal demand for bodacious buxom broads--when I resigned from my executive director position to dance down the lane of unemployed artist, author, and chef--I burned those bras! Well....I donated them to charity--does that count? My husband seems quite happy with his perky athletic wife...even if I do tend to make waves at family functions and Sunday morning service with my unbound self.

Anywho, this brings us to quest two. Great hair. Lotions and potions and creams and treatments....eat meat, drink yeast, coat with olive oil. I was even on a gelatin kick for awhile--until someone told me that jello shots don't count. (damn) In the 80's when Aquanet was the perfume of choice--in true Kelly LeBrock-ish style, my do was phenomenal! I teased and spritzed , creating an auburn halo that could touch my shoulder pads and block the wind....it was simply stunning. Unfortunately, during a college sculpture class that required a piece done with metal...meaning blowtorches and fire....well, I believe I single handidly caused the school to alter the requirements as I set my hair on fire not once, but an impressive three times. Do you know how flammable solid aquanet is?

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So a few weeks back, a darling pal regaled me with a tale of long luscious locks after she had begun....HAIR VITAMINS! Who knew?!? Little nuggets of vitamic (pronounce that "vi-tam-ic;" yes, I've just made up a word) power that boost your hair growing capacity by a factor of ten! Shazaaam! Holy Dolly Pardon I am on my way!

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Day one: A bit woozy after popping the green tablets-o-hair, but manageable.

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Day four: Figured out that eating tuna salad helps the nausea...while grossing out my kids at 6:30am.

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Day seven: Began to crave carrots. WTH??!

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Day eleven: I passed a mirror and was shocked at the caterpillars on my face! Who put my brows on steroids?!? Took an hour and a half to pluck. Are those tufts in my ears?

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Day twelve: Shaved....it looked like I massacred a yeti in the bathroom. Had to go out for liquid plumber. While rinsing the drain I realized I needed to shave.....again. Am I slightly orange?

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Day fifteen: Have stopped the pills from hairy hell. The neighbor kid asked if I was growing a play-off beard. Purchased four bottles of Nair.

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Day seventeen: Out of Nair.

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The moral of this story is, of course, that there is no magic pill. Stick to olive oil and jello shots. I'm staying in until CVS orders more nair.

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Anyone got some carrots?