Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Call Me Sasquatch

There are two quests that women in our country have. Endless pursuits that millions of dollars are spent upon every year--I swear they are actually part of our nation's fiscal picture. What are these crucial, life-long missions you ask?

The crusade for the perfect push-up bra....and great hair.

Now, I must admit complete and utter failure when it comes to quest one. *sigh* I'm sorry ladies, but my journey down this road was full of potholes and wrong turns, triple padding and once--a deflated "air pillow" that left me a tad lopsided at a black tie affair. In fact, in rebellion against the societal demand for bodacious buxom broads--when I resigned from my executive director position to dance down the lane of unemployed artist, author, and chef--I burned those bras! Well....I donated them to charity--does that count? My husband seems quite happy with his perky athletic wife...even if I do tend to make waves at family functions and Sunday morning service with my unbound self.

Anywho, this brings us to quest two. Great hair. Lotions and potions and creams and treatments....eat meat, drink yeast, coat with olive oil. I was even on a gelatin kick for awhile--until someone told me that jello shots don't count. (damn) In the 80's when Aquanet was the perfume of choice--in true Kelly LeBrock-ish style, my do was phenomenal! I teased and spritzed , creating an auburn halo that could touch my shoulder pads and block the wind....it was simply stunning. Unfortunately, during a college sculpture class that required a piece done with metal...meaning blowtorches and fire....well, I believe I single handidly caused the school to alter the requirements as I set my hair on fire not once, but an impressive three times. Do you know how flammable solid aquanet is?
So a few weeks back, a darling pal regaled me with a tale of long luscious locks after she had begun....HAIR VITAMINS! Who knew?!? Little nuggets of vitamic (pronounce that "vi-tam-ic;" yes, I've just made up a word) power that boost your hair growing capacity by a factor of ten! Shazaaam! Holy Dolly Pardon I am on my way!
Day one: A bit woozy after popping the green tablets-o-hair, but manageable.
Day four: Figured out that eating tuna salad helps the nausea...while grossing out my kids at 6:30am.
Day seven: Began to crave carrots. WTH??!
Day eleven: I passed a mirror and was shocked at the caterpillars on my face! Who put my brows on steroids?!? Took an hour and a half to pluck. Are those tufts in my ears?
Day twelve: Shaved....it looked like I massacred a yeti in the bathroom. Had to go out for liquid plumber. While rinsing the drain I realized I needed to shave.....again. Am I slightly orange?
Day fifteen: Have stopped the pills from hairy hell. The neighbor kid asked if I was growing a play-off beard. Purchased four bottles of Nair.
Day seventeen: Out of Nair.
The moral of this story is, of course, that there is no magic pill. Stick to olive oil and jello shots. I'm staying in until CVS orders more nair.
Anyone got some carrots?


Alison said...

Were you knocking back some of those jello shots while writing this? I've seen your hair...sans aqua net...and you don't need to augment (the hair, I mean)

Out on the prairie said...

I was amused at an infomercial that had a spray on hair for male pattern baldness.I don't think so.We used to make miniflamethrowers with the Aqua net spray.Have you thought what you could do with ultrahair pics on the web?I haven't had a Jello Shot, but may just take the thinning as part of life.A few years back they had a liquid mineral supplement that was offered with a tape called Dead Docters Don't Lie.After drinking a bottle I decided I got more out of a daily walk.

Pearl said...

The things we do to ourselves!

Anyway, it's always something, isn't it? I admit I inherited great hair. I also inherited crooked teeth...


Danielle said...

Ok, but did the hair on your head grow? Cause I don't mind shaving? LOL

Chantel said...

Alison--so glad you clarified what did not need augmenting.....LOL!

Prairie--hairspray flamethrowers?? Why haven't I thought of that?!

Pearl--flip hair! (that move in the movies that always gets the guy) And crooked teeth add character....and places to keep spinach.

Danielle--damn if I know, I only took it two weeks. Traumatic, trust me. The brows...oh, the brows!

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

You should take those boob pills and then tell us about that.

*Looks hopeful*

Emily - Bentobloggy.com said...

Hi there, I'm blog hopping today! I'm a new follower - I found you on Home Grown Families. I have a food blog that is geared towards making healthy and fun kids lunches, and I'm a Blogger.com 'Blog of Note'. I hope you'll follow me back -



The Barreness said...

Despite my recent relocation to the UK (and the inherent nausea that their brand name induces), I've long been a desciple of Victoria's Secret's "very Sexy" push ups.

As for great hair, I've actually read that the more sex you have, the more testosterone is released into your body and the more hair you grow, naturally (aka without need for green sasquatch pill).

I consider this very good news indeed.

Glad to find you and will pop back soon.

- B x

Mary said...

Omg that was hilarious.