Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Confessions of a Vitamin Junkie


As the exec director of several child development centers, a couple years ago I was also building points on my Doctor's "frequent flier" card towards a vacation in Monte Carlo. I was on his top ten list of "Patients with Funny Stories." (usually these included flying boogers, projectile vomit, or parents who insisted that little susie's radiant scarlet eyes were due to a "shampoo incident" and certainly NOT to pink eye) Um....yeah. I laundered my clothing in bleach, snorted hand sanitizer, and used lysol as perfume. (I was partial to Springtime Meadow--so fresh and dewy)
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Yet there I was, time after time, sounding like an emphysema patient or chucking monkeys at the porcelain goddess. I'd had it. So ye ole google and I came up with a solution. (exactly what in the hell did we ever do before the Internet??) After looking up `immune system and vitamins' I had come up with a list of goodies that were essential to your health. These included garlic, a, e, the b's, c of course, zinc and magnesium. Off I trundled to the drugstore to purchase a granny-sized seven-day pill holder in a lovely shade of robins-egg blue that I could use as a weapon in a pinch. A regular women's daily as well as additional supplements of the others on the list filled up my basket and nearly cleared out my checking account.
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It took almost two hours for me to conquer the child-proof lids and safety seals and dole out a weeks worth of pastel pillege--not to mention assuring my husband that I had indeed not lost my marbles and replaced them with liqui-gels.
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Month one passed......wow. Month two....holy wow. YEAR one.....Saint Jehosephat's nads, this is WORKING! Folks, three years and seven months--not a SINGLE cold. Not O. N. E. I have three boys and a husband who have brought home a vast plethora of snot and sniffles, more than one case of the chuckles, and NADA. And then.....
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Oh ye hateful arrogance! Smash ye to cinders all who scoff at the anti-bacterial wipes for grocery carts even as ye watch the red-eyed pigmy demon hock up el-mucus-o and finger paint on the handle of the buggy next to you.......ye shall PERISH!
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Cough...sputter...gasp.
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This week.....for the first time in nearly four years, I have gotten ill. (ahem) Make that, "I have visited the tunnel of light and am clinging to life with broken fingernails and lifevest made from halls wrappers." I've woven a rope from used tissues to tie myself to the brink of sanity. I have had lengthy conversations with the most adorable little asian doc-ette about the color of the crap I cough up. Bigelow Tea has offered me a spot as spokesperson as I've broken the world record--27 cups-o-liquid-love in less than 12 hours. My pee smells like lemons....and menthol.
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I have met the maharajah of viral malaise and he whooped my proverbial ass.
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It has terrified my kids--they have no real memories of sick mommy. They have also eaten pizza, hot dogs, and cold cereal three meals a day for a week. My husband has been grand and the wonton soup he has brought home by the bucket has been my single joy as well as the only thing I can taste.
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I'm still a believer, and still popping the goodies....along with anti-biotics and have begun to have strong feelings for my nasal spray. However, I am praying that this will be an isolated incident...once every four years I can handle--although the holiday timing of this has really jacked up Santa's schedule.


My eldest said from the doorway of my room--afraid to enter, "Too bad it's not halloween mum, 'cause you'd be a really good Darth Vader."


14 comments:

Out on the prairie said...

I worked with kids as well, getting strep for my 1st time. I found not touching their little hands and hand washing saved me a bit.I had my bloodwork done before vitamins and again after a 6 month regime and really didn't see any change.There is no regulation to purity so my doc changed me over to prescription fish oil, but it has been only in the last few years they have even ordered vitamins for me.I take a variety and have avoided big sickness, but had a bad one last week. Must be a major virus. I am taking care of an elderly neighbor for the fourth time this season.As we get older our thymus gland gets smaller, and it helps us resist disease.Look at the ages for many big illnesses and disease.Hope you are getting better.

msposhb said...

Following from the Wednesday hops.
Have a great day!
http://poshonabudget.com/2010/11/happy-wednesday.html

Candice said...

I LOVE your writing style! Very entertaining. I must say that I am the opposite side of the spectrum in that I am the one the scoffs at using the grocery store wipes, even after the snot riddled child stares at me, mucus pouring from every orafice, while it is taken from the cart by it's slime-coated parent. Although not a Dr. I have researched germs enough to know that the more we try to contain them, the more resistant they will develop.

I think a small amount of germs and small colds are worth catching now and again so one doesn't go on a mucus barrel ride to the depths of hell, as you are experiencing now. Poor thing.:( I have to admit I don't get sick often, but when I do get sick...it's pretty nasty. I used to carry hand sanitizer with me at all times, used every wipey at the grocery store, and was never sicker than I was at that point in my life. It has been two years since I stopped guzzling hand sanitizer, and I have never been more healthy. The only thing I take regularly is my probiotics, which are the most fabulous thing I have ever discovered.

Good luck with your cold, hope you are better soon. Good to know that vitamins work, I'm to big of a weiner and can't swallow pills without gagging, so I will stick with my blind assumption that everything is working good thus far.
Meet your newest follower :)
-Candice
www.theoldladyatheart.blogspot.com

K∂riиє* Smith. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wow, that was awkward said...

It's amazing the number of deathly sicknesses I somehow avoided as my kids and ex always seemed to be leaking some sort of nastiness from various illnesses over the years. I rarely ever catch anything. But when I do, it seems like its always a 24 hour bug. I think my body just says 'enough' and knocks me out for a day. Feel better!

Facing50Blog.com said...

Hi! I've hopped from the Midweek Mingle hop...yes I’m a bit late...put it down to bad weather conditions here;) What a great entertaining blog you have here. I've made myself at home and snooped about and of course I have added myself as your newest follower. I'm a vitamin junky too and pride myself on rarely getting ill..I bet now I've written that I'll come down with something.
Please drop by and maybe follow me if you fancy a laugh. I'd be delighted to welcome you.
Friendly and festive wishes from a very snowy and cold UK
Carol from www.facing50withhumour.blogspot.com – the blog that gives you laughter lines. (Has that put you off?)

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

Stopping by to wish you and your family a wonderful Christmas.

Happy Holidays Chantel!

Danielle said...

I have a 3 year old that seems to rarely get sick. However, she brings that shit home for me to relish in. I am sick A L L T H E D A M N T I M E!!!!!!
I pop pills too. Send me your pill regimen cause mine doesn't seem to be working.

~ Lyndsay The Kitchen Witch said...

I'm so sorry you got sick. As a fellow vitamin junkie who hasn't been sick in years. Have you ever considered oil of oregano? It is the nastiest tasting substance on the planet but I swear by it.

Alicia said...

I was so pokey at following back, I'm sorry! I hope you're feeling better!

Alicia {ProtoDoom.com}

Chantel said...

Well ladies and gents--welcome all and muchas grassiass er....gracias? (danggit, where is the spell check on this thing??) for all the well-wishes! The grand thing about not being ill for four years is that when they DO put your butt on anti-biotics, they actually WORK! lol I'm so looking up oregano Lyndsay! xox

Slade said...

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Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

Okay Chantel, you've made me a believer. Sending my hubby to the drugstore on his way home from work today to get me some of those little pills you're pushing!

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