Friday, July 7, 2017

Investment


Midnight has flown. The shadows that live only before the dawn are draped about my room, arguing with each other. Yesterday is merely a memory and tomorrow barely a wisp of a dream. Today I spent hours investing in things that perhaps I need to reconsider. One of the joys/gifts/freedoms of the young is an abundance....of everything. Of laughter and time and energy. The very things that seem more difficult to find later on when life complicates like some mad scientific experiment that has reasons and factors and elements - and still exponentially explodes beyond rationalization. While the crowds applaud philanthropy and sacrifice - they are crowds. In real life where hours matter and exhaustion is palatable, one must do the math.

Have I mentioned....I'm not good at math?

One plus one should always equal two. But when it's time + the past + memories + hope + maybe + investment.....but the = is missing? When the explanation is always up for the task, to immediately squash any question, but the answer feels dreadfully hollow...

I find myself at a place of introspection. Please....how do you shuffle or recalculate? How does one rearrange or prune or merely adjust the friendships that are changing, sliding sideways...pausing? I'm an idiot. I will be the one still standing there when everyone has left the room....I know this.

I hate this.








4 comments:

Geo. said...

Dear Chantel, you ask questions I've been bothering myself with for years. Friends of half a century are moving away in pursuit of their grandchildren --hundreds, even thousands of miles. I miss them. Friends are stabilizers and I used to have a circle of them. Now I appreciate, more than ever before, the familiar faces and helpful hands encountered in routine errands. When I get the jumps, I go see a therapist --she lends me books about Sufis --Dervish tales. I get a kick out of it. Point is, there are lots of people out there whose trades and jobs and maybe just eye-contact and smiles are, in combination, uplifting.

Chantel said...

Hello Geo! You have an excellent point in there being a smile to find nearly anywhere, if one takes the time to look. However, I'm more lamenting that moment when you realize that for whatever the reasons - someone isn't putting in the effort/time/energy into an intimate friendship. I must admit that at this age, I'm no longer interested in one-way relationships where I'm investing and the other is not. I don't have the energy or patience for that. Yet upon realizing change is on my doorstep, I fear I'm not quite sure how to rearrange the blocks - when you remove one without replacing it, the whole tower gets wobbly. lol And there you have it....my life, the Jenga tower. Take care...


Mary Degli Esposti said...

I'm more commenting on your comment than on your initial post.
I do not believe the tower nec. gets wobbly when you remove an ungiving, need- sucking block. I think it is more a period of mourning for the loss of what was- but that no longer is- so it isn't adding to a wobbly scenario. Though, it may actually be leaving the foundation, at this point, all variables considered, more stable.
Oh, original post...you are sooo not an idiot. I don't think I've ever admired & respected an idiot. IJS.

Chantel said...

My dear Mary - how I know you are right!....in my head. Yet my heart is...well...offended? Wounded? Feeling somehow rather unimportant which smarts a bit. Perhaps it's just a 'season' (ha - a book joke, I slay me) and I know lives fill up and even overflow with commitments and responsibilities as the days pass and multiply in that unnerving way they do...and my conscience is scratching at the back of my mind to 'be understanding' all the while I'm resisting the urge to stamp a foot and ask, "why are we playing at this?" I had a recent conversation that included lauding the relationships (professional in context) that have no bullshit. Perhaps I need a stiffer spine...and I will look for another block. I suppose a temporary hole is far better than a rotten beam, eh? Trust and all that inn consideration. xo