Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Unrestful Rest


Sleeping, for me, is an attempt to dive into an ocean...made of Jell-O. Rather than the swan-like move one envisions, there is much awkward thrusting and some jabbing elbows. A franticness that is alien and undesirable in such a moment...bruising. I've watched my husband and sons drift off casually, so easily as if sleep were the natural conclusion of an offhand breath or finished sentence. For me, it is a battle; sometimes edging closer to a war complete with bloody casualties - a war against the clutches of my waking mind. That vast indigo sea of rest and rejuvenation eludes me for wretched hours.

Often, rather than sinking into its silky depths, I seem to drift mere inches beneath the surface, watching the memories and fears and faces of my conscious mind ripple before me as if I'm lying on my back viewing the world through a translucent aqueous lens mere centimeters thick. The images have lost their crisp edges and begin to blur...I can feel the vacuum beneath me and attempt to plunge away from the surface only to feel tethered by invisible threads that tangle in my hair and flesh.

Sometimes I wonder after day three or four of sleepless unrest, if my judgement, my temperament, my ability to write and cope and paint and cook-more-than-noodles is in permanent peril. For it is within our dreams, our hours of unconsciousness, that our souls are reborn. Our humanity is solidified against the robotic tendencies of routine and repetition. This is what sets us apart....

Do you dream?










5 comments:

Robbie Grey said...

I have insomnia. Sleeping, dreaming is more precious to me than rubies or glass beads...

Chantel said...

I know exactly what you mean, Robbie...there are times I feel tremendous jealousy when someone I know talks about sleeping for 12 hours straight - like, if I slept for 12 hours at one time? Damn...I bet I could fly.

Mary Degli Esposti said...

I do dream, sometimes excessively so & I wake as tired in those cases(the excessive ones) as if I've had no sleep at all. My meds do normally make me tired except when they reverse & keep me up, so I sometimes get hours of sleep, then none at all. 4 nights in a row? I am so sorry.

Mary Degli Esposti said...

Thinking about this post last night when I could not sleep. Your words are so elegant & lyrical that they mask the pain to an extent. I was thinking, such a beautiful post...then, yeah, but, gf can't sleep....

Chantel said...

Mary, you literally make me laugh out loud! Doesn't it seem at times that the lovely things of the world often come from pain? Ah then, perhaps that's just my perception - slightly jaded and a little sideways. Last night was one like you mentioned - so full of dreams that I woke feeling as exhausted as when I lay down - which frankly is damned tired as yesterday we rearranged the entire first floor of the house to make a study for me, some place to write. I'm looking forward to this greatly...and I'm covered in bruises. lol Good things from pain, right? xo