Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Recently I was told I've been a tad absent. Sincere apologies here--there have actually been several consecutive days when I've been unable to find the time to check mail, much less collect my scatterbrained thoughts into a comprehensible sentence! With a ninety-three year old living in my first floor guest room and three boys under 12 home for the summer--my life is now consumed by scraped knees, fruit loop wars, skate board ramps, "eggs & bacon" at the pool (have you heard of this??), and lost false teeth.

In the midst of the mayhem, lessons have been learned this steamy summer....oh please do sit back and listen, wisdom of the ages here.....

Episode one: Decorating Sense.

When mixing ALL of your friends from many different walks of life, backgrounds, and places together for your Party-Lite bash; it may not be a good idea to get creative with your centerpiece. For while you may indeed think that the little green bottles, lined up on the silver tray, with a single daisy in each, surrounded by a handful of glittering seaglass and shells looks just divine on the dining room table.....it only takes one pal from your college days to comment, "Say, aren't those Jagermeister minis?!" to swing your soiree from "elegant afternoon tea" to Friday night bar hop. Tequila anyone?

Episode two: Use a Hammer, dammit.

It was a scorching hot day last June. We were moving and my darling parents had come to help us. Now, while I'm simply amazed by this generosity--this amazement faded a bit as we dismantled our king size bed. Nearly done, I left to root out a hammer to separate the frame. From the kitchen I hear crazy crashing noises--what in the name of Hosophat's hangers?? Returning to the bedroom, I discover my father--my 10 lb solid chunk-o-steel weight in hand--beating the crap out of my bedframe. "Heh, heh--didn't need that hammer after all!" he proudly says as the now slightly twisted and mangled bits of metal fall apart. "Ummm....thanks pop."

Fast forward. This weekend.....3 lovely long days with the kids gone to my ex's for the holiday and some privacy! Hubba hubba darlings. We made one run to the grocery for ice-cream, to the butcher for steaks to grill, and to the beverage store for the makings of a killer pitcher of long islands! A delicious delving into the sensual and forbidden fruits....

It's 3:30 in the afternoon and after a smashing lunch and leisurely shower...we retire for a little afternoon delight. (wink, wink) A half hour later, our fabulously crooked bedframe is being put to the test....ka-thunk, ka-thunk, ka-THUNK.....and drifting up from downstairs is the voice of my grandmother, "WHO IS IT?!?!"

Thanks dad.

Episode three--Storage.

First mistake: We were throwing a party with about a 75-80 person guest list--kids included. (no, I don't smoke crack-why do you ask?) and I was racing about stashing stuff. (this is my idea of cleaning when pressed for time) And there is that....well, tub-o-adult-fun that needs to be...changed. It's a clear tub....and...well, you know. So I'm searching for something you can't see through and come across an extra lego tub--you know, the one that looks like a giant blue lego? PERFECT! (I know, I know....) And yes--several hours later I discovered my youngest son--thoroughly confused because, "these aren't legos mom..."

Second mistake: Do I go out and shop to buy a discreet container to....NO! What, you think I'm made of money?? Of COURSE I just grab an extra holiday tub from the seasonal decorations.

It was marked "Summer."

Episode four: Parrot Head.

I'd had enough squabbling over the party parrot for the day so I stuck him on top of the toaster oven in the kitchen. Unbeknownst to me, the little switch was still on. (you say something and in his endearing shriekish parrot voice, he screams it back to you twice) So the phone rings, I'm up to my elbows in roasted chicken and garlic with "mo-ooom, I'm hungry!" whining from the living room and the last thing I need is the fleebity bleep phone. "Mommy needs a drink!" I hiss in exasperation as I pick up the cordless....."Hello?"

And as the pastor's wife sweetly asks how I am, Party Pete squawks across the kitchen, "Mommy needs a drink! Mommy needs a drink!"
Oh my....summer has just begun. Did I mention we're going camping for a week??


Mom et al said...

Wow, that's a ton of great material right there, but the parrot story most definitely tops the list. I've missed you and was THIS CLOSE to sending you an email to check if you were ok. I'm glad you are having such an awesome, albeit busy summer!

Eva Gallant said...

Everyone of those was hilarious, which tells me I made the right decision which was to follow you! Thanks for the belly laughs!

Nicole said...

Oh does this mama need a drink..and she's having one. Even though I'm only a dog mama, and mama to several hundred children I cared for in a past life, so I think I get to call myself mama. (is the beer becoming obvious yet, lol!!!) I can't even tell you how much I needed the "these aren't legos, mom," laugh!!! Thank you, my love. My life has recently become a jumbled mess of "slacking at the day job-and completely overwhelmed by the bonnet business," so thank you lots my friend!! Oh, and I know all about broken beds...but in my case, it's because of two 6 foot plus idiots punishing a full size bed older than the both of us, lol!! That's a warning for you two!! (Oh boy...I better lay off the Miller Lite.)

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

You're summer is waaay more thrilling than mine. I'm just sitting in my pink chair watching the birds fly by. My summer excitement is going to have to be reading your blog. Keep the entertainment coming....

Danielle said...

LOL to all of those. Especially "Who is it?"
Good to see you back though.

Jessica said...

Happy as a jaybird that your back! I missed your words.

I'll have to try that mini bottle trick ...hhhmmm.
Seems Mama already had a drink ;)

Chantel said...

Maria--I damn near died when that bird squawked...lol It's been crazy, but good!

Eva--any time babe, if you can't laugh, how do you live??

Nicole--BOTH of you fellow-giants on a FULL size bed?? There must be warnings about that... LOL!

Danielle--talk about changing the mood, suddenly I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe! Missed you darlin....

Jessica--you know, I first read that "happy as a jaybird on your back"....um, yeah--come join me here in this lovely gutter....HAH!

AngieB said...

Oh, my! Thank God there's no parrot here - that could get ugly!

Ann said...

I have just enough time to write this... well, this... well, look at me I have time to write more.

Nope. Now I'm done.

I'll be back! Phone number to come


Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh that is funny! Have a great weekend!

Shrinky said...

From the sound of all that mayhem, mummy doesn't just need a drink, she deserves a whole vat of her favoured alcohol. Oooooooh, this is too darn funny - I could see it all playing out, right before my eyes. Brilliant post!

Anonymous said...

I can understand the demands of have 3 little boys and an invalid under your care all at one time, so you have my sympathies. I can also appreciate your concerns over the centerpiece choice for your party of new and old friends, snicker...

Hello! I'm your newest follower from the Fancy Meeting You blog hop and I'm glad I found you. I like your easy writing style. Hope you'll come visit and follow my blog too. Thanks!


One 2 Try said...

Thanks for linking up on Fancy Meeting You! Just stopping by to say hello. Rita http://www.one2try.net/

Anonymous said...

Wow, all that and you're going camping in a week? You are Superwoman, for sure!

I am visiting and following from Fancy Meeting You Monday. Thanks for linking up!

p.s. Can you pass the bandaid? I'm afraid I scraped my elbow earlier today.


litanyofbritt said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! "Who is it?" That was hilarious! I'm a new follower.

Chantel said...

Angie--babe, the stories I could tell you that parrot has seen!

Ann--have missed you...and NO idea how to email you--lol--so you have to send me yo numba!

Mommy of 4--DAG...your name alone needs an award!

Shrinky--HAH! Gotta say, the hubbie picked up a bottle of whiskey after the last...

Haupi--lovely to meet you and yes, centerpieces are VERY important. They say SO much about you.... ;)

Rita--I love that YOU try everything. Then I just hop on ye ole bandwagon if it works out! lol

Escapades--camping. It's an...experience? lol Ooooh, the tales to come!

Britt--you CRACKED me up this morning! SO good to meet you!