Thursday, July 22, 2010

Flirtation Nation


I've recently been accused of being a flirt....a rather large one at that. Moi?? Yet unintentionally I've acquired a stalker most persistent and thus, tragically, I've lost my grocery store. Do you know how traumatic that is?? Dammit, I KNEW where the turnips were! The coffee was in isle three and they had a particular kind of herbilicious brie I'd consider playing truth-or-dare for...

Then I ruined it. *sigh*

"How could this happen?" you ask. With a COMPLIMENT. A measly, weasly completely normal compliment! Except apparently someone has changed "the rules"and I missed the twitter or download or version III or whatever. Harumph.

This supposed "marriage proposal" of a compliment occurred in the check out line. 20 minutes of perusing the smashing array of vapid magazine covers and catching up on the latest of who's sleeping with who while adopting children after plastic surgery gone awry in Uruguay had left me at a loss and the sweet cooing of this darling baby in the buggy next to me was a welcome distraction.

There was a smile and a bit of drool combined with the foot kick and a squeal--a dead ringer move for stealing any heart--and I giggled right back! She laughed and I laughed and then glancing up at dad-e-o I commented, "She's really quite charming!"

Wouldn't you know it, unbeknownst to me, this particular phrase has been upgraded from "casual conversation" to "hussy pick-up." Dear Saint Jehosophat and his pet clown.

He followed me to my car.

Two days later he chased me down the dairy isle inquiring how to pick yogurt.

He even came into "Tampon Alley" with a toothy grin causing utter panic and I fled, leaving my buns behind.

However, when regaling pals with this tale of woe, I was informed most readily by said pals that it is now actually written in "How to get a date" books: Phase 1. Grocery store compliments.

AHHHHH!

Do you mean to tell me that the "was it still raining when you came in?" is now a request to crash happy hour? "That looks like a fabulous melon" might get you slapped, and "oops, you dropped your crackers" is storefront foreplay??

Dagnabbit.

Can someone please send me a new copy of these rules?? Does this apply to...say....the Verizon store? (I am SO re-thinking voicing my desire for "upgraded attachments") What about the mall? Can I still ask for double cream in my coffee or will I be labeled as a sex addict for life?

I've put off getting the oil changed in the car indefinitely. Somehow I'm certain "Please sir, will you check my fluids and lube the chassy" is not going to end well....

21 comments:

Irish Gumbo said...

Oh dear lord...I had no idea. Now I'm afraid to say anything to anybody, anywhere.

This complicates things tremendously. Crap.

Irish Gumbo said...

By the way, I like your playlist.

And that's not a come-on, I just like the list :)

Chantel said...

Irish--adore you. Utterly. Ps. When I book my first DJ gig, I'll let you know...don't tip the pizza boy.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I always giggle by the melons and cucumbers. If saw you buying a couple gallons of milk and I said, "nice jugs," would you be offended? How 'bout "is that a banana in your cart or are you just happy to see me?" Or what if I followed you around the store while I pushed a cart carrying condoms, a spatula, whipped cream, beer, a hand mixer, honey, kleenex, body lotion, and one cucumber. Now that would be some fabulous stalking!!

Chantel said...

Wow--LMAO!! *wheeze* I'm a little lost on the hand mixer but you just landed yourself a blind date with Lindsay Lohan!

Danielle said...

LOL at your post and Wow. This whole thing made my day!
Love ya girl!

Alison said...

Well frankly, if you're going to make a comment on someone's melon then you deserve what you get. But as for the rest? Ruh roh. Going to my h.s. reunion next weekend...can you forward me the list??

Shrinky said...

How come nothing like this ever happens to me, then? (Pout) Oh yeah, that's right, I do my grocery shopping on-line..

Hmn. Maybe I ought to go out more?

Me said...

Hahaha!! Wonderfully, fabulously hilarious post. I mean, I'm sorry that you had to switch grocery stores (knowing where the turnips are is worth something, I know!), but...ummm...that truly had me giggling. :)

-C

Nicole said...

Isn't that crap the worst!! There's a creepy guy in Sheetz that insists on calling me honey when I'm alone,and always asks me "where I've been," but won't make eye contact when I go in with my hubby. Then yesterday, apparently it was "customer appreciation day" at my gas station and a young man was repairing windshield chips for free, so I said, "Sure! Go for it dude!" This progressed to, "I really like your hair," and upon seeing my wedding rings," OH my god, you're married, I totally thought you were 19!" Uh huh. Right. (In my head, "dude shut up and fix my chips.") He continues, "that's a really pretty name..." At this point I'm totally sweating, was done with giving him awkward smiles, and wanted to get the hell out of dodge. What is wrong with people!! I also enjoy when men smile at me creepily and make icky faces from thier own freaking car on the highway...wtf??!!! Seriously...do you think you can pick me up from another vehicle behind closed windows on the highway??!!! YUCK!!! So sorry you lost your grocery store--maybe you can go back after a bit of a hiatus. xoxo-love ya lots!!! And by the way--look at your 104 followers, you rock!!!! I think I have 8! Ha!!

Chantel said...

Danielle--back atcha babe-o-licious!

Alison--yikes! I've actually never been to a SINGLE H.S. reunion....scared to death to revisit the teenage days! lol However I cannot WAIT to live vicariously through you--you will blog about it, right??

Shrinky--Get out and get stalked....that's my new motto.

Me--Thanks muchly and I feel like I'm talking to myself! lol Fabulous to meet you!

Nicole--I will personally stalk you any day. (I still tell people I had this assistant director that looked like a victoria secret's model) And I can SO feel your pain! At least the car looks good?

Dina said...

Hilarious! Except not! If you told me that my baby was quite charming, I promise I wouldn't stalk you. :)
That would be devastating.. to lose my grocery store. I hope you can go back soon!

Charity said...

Hi There! I'm stopping bye to say hello from Monday's FMYH. I hope you can stop by and visit. Have a great Monday!

http://humboldtcherry.blogspot.com/

Mom et al said...

I don't know Girl, I think you've got some spice in you. You can take back your store no problem. The next time he asks for yogurt advice just point him in the direction of the Live Active. That way the next time he sees you down the aisle it will trigger the painful memory of the hours he spent tied to a toilet. That'll send him running in the other direction.

*♥Shydub♥* said...

Thats a sexy lips, very flirty indeed. Anyway, im your newest follwoer now from FMBT. hope to see you around.

http://www.mixedthoughts.net/follow-me-back-tuesday-week12/

Hootiebee said...

I am your newest follower from Follow me Back Tuesday. I hope you can stop in and see me at www.hootiebee.blogspot.com

mama2lilev said...

If you got it, you got it and people want it!!! I understand about being upset losing your grocery store. I drive 15 mins out the way just bc I know that grocery better than the one closest to me. THanks for following, I am following you back. And yes I did start dancing when I heard your playlist! 2 thumbs up!

Therese said...

DAGNABBIT? I'm sorry, but did you just say DAGNABBIT? Well, now I can inform my husband that I am NOT the only person that says it!!! It is a marvelous word.

And tampon alley? That is a marvelous phrase.

cdneuf said...

Oh, don't you hate that?! What was once a comforting safe haven to wander around in aimlessly without a care in the world, picking up the edible necessities of life, has now become a place to avoid. I totally empathize. Give it six months and then try a return trip (knowing the location of the turnips is worth it).

Two unsavory incidents happened to me at my grocery store haunt, only not on such a grand scale. One incident involved an inappropriate remark in the refrigerated section; the other involved vomit splashing up against my legs. Avoided that store for six months. Returned without further incident going on three years now.

(If you REALLY want to know which store I'm talking about, drop me an e-mail.) :)

~cn

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

Now I know why the produce guy kept following me around after I asked him where I could find a slab of meat.

I.HAD.NO.IDEA.

Thanks for the lesson.

Steel Magnolia said...

Chantal, I have missed your charming wit while life tied me in knots. Nope. Not a carnival sideshow. Nor a come on. Glad I am back. I'll stop by again soon for some giggles. Cheers!