Friday, November 2, 2012

November & Hell Has Another Name


November has arrived in all its amber glory; the market is bulging with fat turkeys and holiday advertisments are beginning to remind me how much more I have to do.  Not to be thwarted, I've accepted yet more to be dished out on my shrinking plate. (heavens, what was I thinking?)  Have you heard of NaNoWriMo?  If not, go here.  A novel in a month? *gulp*  Most likely you won't see me again until December when I come up for air--but I didn't want to leave you with the heaviness of the last post so I was reading through some from days past and this one makes me laugh every time.  Have a lovely Turkey Day all, kiss someone frequently, and I will be back soon....



HELL HAS ANOTHER NAME

Tuesday, March 9, 2010.
Official Record.

Previously: Best Friend calls to initiate contact. Frivolous discussion about said friend's upcoming trip to Florida; beaches, swimsuits.... lovehandles. "Um.....shall we go for a walk this week, to exercise a bit?" she says. " There's a park near my house with a lake."

"Sounds lovely! Tuesday perhaps?"

Now to be absolutely fair, BF did indeed casually mention that it was five miles. As I tear up about eight in twenty minutes on my stationary bike every other day or so, I thought very little of this.

I pick her up in my blazer, we are dynamically jolly on our way to the lake.

My, that is quite a lake, eh?

We arrive and park, stashing coats in the back seat as the sun is gloriously shining, warming the 43* air to a delusional "warm spring day." I glance about....the women in the parking lot are...a bit intimidating. Folks, I'm wearing jeans. And old tennies. A t-shirt with some bar logo on it and a sweater I often paint in--leaving it dabbed here and there with various pigment additions. These other women have apparently stepped out straight from Shape magazine. Glamorous athletic outfits with glowing piping and detail. Hell, they have matching shoes and headbands! (when did flashdance come back in? Oh wait--those are ear warmers...) They're flipping bouncy pony tails as they tuck designer ipods into tiny waistbands...I hate them.

Mile 1

Picturesque. Blazing sunshine glints off the ice, regal geese meandering through the grass, we stride; long steps and deep breaths. We throw back our heads and laugh, jaunting along, giggling at the construction guys that are actually getting into wet suits. (for some reason they were into the lake under the ice...um, insanity?) Nonplussed, we parade on. The clouds are so fluffy...

Mile 2

Slight wheezing. BF requests that I slow down. So thoughtless of me! Of course, my dear...I'm six feet tall and darling Ag is five foot foot three, completely unfair there. We notice the geese rather stink. We chuckle as we comment that every runner passing us looks to be in pain. Ha, ha, what IS their problem? Is that a hill? My goodness.

Mile 3

The chafing begins. Perhaps they could post a warning, "G-strings are highly unrecommended for long ventures." There was that awkward sideways step with a hop as I try to inconspicuously grab the string through my jean pocket. Ag: "Thats why they make active wear."  Wench.  "Who's idea was this?"

Mile 4

Oh. My. God. *gasp* "Is that the end of the lake?" Ummm....no. That's just where the trail takes off up the MOUNTAIN there and then bends to the right, circles around and then we have to go all the way back down the other side. Damn geese shit is everywhere! There is now a distinct burning sensation in my hip joints. I'm seriously considering hitching. There is a nice mother and children walking a sweet dog coming our way. We're passing. I smile....perhaps it was more of a grimace as she immediately put one child behind her protectively. Ag: "She's got car keys around her neck. You grab the keys, I'll take out the kids and we'll drive back to our car!" Sheer panic on the woman's face. I smack Ag, "Quit scaring the pedestrians!" In the distance I hear the woman say, "Now THAT is why you should never talk to strangers!" Dear Lord, we've become today's lesson in stranger danger.

Mile 5

I'm now serious about hitching. My right calf has seized. I joke about a ride and some pervy 55 year old man on a bench gets up, "Hey baby, I'll give you a ride." Ag: "Walk FASTER DAMMIT!" I consider replying. But I cannot breathe.

The parking lot.

I'm dragging a leg. Ag sounds like a thrashing grouper. We're nearly crawling and she says, "I know this hairbrained idea was mine, but I'm the crazy one in this relationship here--you approved it! You're like MANAGEMENT!"

This morning I can hardly move. I made it down for coffee...and nearly had a seizure trying to put my socks on.

I'm firing management.



8 comments:

Shelly said...

By mile 3, I was seriously hee-hawing. By mile 5, I thought I'd have to pick myself up off the floor. So funny!

And as for your NaNoWriMo, all the best to you, my friend! You have my admiration. I can barely choke out 4 blog posts in a month. Whew-

terlee said...

Very funny...and dare I say: been there, crawled that?

Every November, I wonder if I've lost my mind, or might be seriously deranged to contemplate doing another NaNo. But in the end, there's just nothing like that breathtaking rush in crossing that 50K finish line.

See you there, and good luck, my friend...

Murr Brewster said...

How many NaNos have you done? Do you always have an idea first or do you just sit down and crank it out? I just finished writing a novel (first draft, but that's usually a lot like my last draft) on Oct. 31 and someone asked me if I was doing NaNoWriMo. Huh?

I walked a marathon once with no preparation and was seriously considering an amputation at the hip by the end of it. I would have thrown up if I could bend over.

Mary said...

Have fun writing!

The Loerzels said...

At least management has an extra hour to laze around today. Except that I'm sure you're house is like my house and I'm going to hate that extra hour of fighting my children will fill it with!

Chantel said...

Shelly--I'm glad you laughed, that was quite a day! And thanks, it's now three days in and I'm at 6,773 words....yikes!

Terlee--so glad I'm not alone! :)

Murr--this is my first. Apparently I live under a rock as I've never even heard of this before a few days ago! lol I had four days to try to come up with a plot, characters...do a little research, and then Nov arrived. So not sure I can finish this...

Mary--thanks!!

Marie--lol, you are sooooo right!

Dee said...

Dear Chantel, thank you for laughter to greet this drizzly day. I can just see that mother placing her child behind her so as to keep her safe from you!

As to a novel a month. I can't begin to understand how that can possibly be. I spent 13 years working on a manuscript about a character I've come to love who lives in first-century Palestine. Thirteen years!!!!! So one-month sounds to me like getting three books read and notes taken for research! Peace.

Mel Heth said...

I love it. By the time you go to the man telling you he'd "give you a ride" I was starting to hear the banjo music from Deliverance in my head. :P At least the first mile was nice!