It finally arrived! June 17th, aka: Vacation Commencement. (delicious shudder, chills on the arms...) I know, I know--be still thy walloping heart! The whirlwind of packing; purchasing stacks of batteries, vats of insect repellent, thousands of marshmallows. The roof rack was jammed like a big dude in a speedo, the car rivaled a tin of sardines--my husband is a packing GURU. Three monkeys buckled in the back seat--absolutely vibrating with excitement. The dog (having been drugged for the trip) drooling like an irrigation faucet. Anticipation, expectations, palpable thrill!
We will be one with Mother Earth, bond with the forest, meld minds with deer and fish and....well, maybe not the toads.
Things to Remember:
1. You must eat peppered bacon three meals a day. Rock. On. (What? My jeans are tight? What else makes up for the 'squitos and bugs and mud?) Seriously, when was the last time you ate a sandwich of grilled french bread, fresh tomato, smoked hot pepper cheese, and piles of bacon....Y.U.M.
2. I live in sundresses for the summer months, even camping. As these are the...er, only...thing I'm wearing, having a lightening bug explore your cleavage resulting in squealing and unforeseen nudity will indeed get you on the "drive by often" list of the bikers camping a few spots down.
3. Sex in a tent involves explanations the next day. ("honey, there was a spider....I screamed...daddy took care of it....") Thank goodness for separate tents.
4. Bug spray can be considered perfume. (look for my new line, "Chemicalicious.")
5. Rum is not optional. Ever.
6. If no one sees you pull the daddy long legs out of the omelet....it didn't happen.
7. When you use ALL of your swear words on the dog at half past one in the morning as she is attempting to get into your sleeping bag, your children will repeat them in the morning and tell daddy to ground you.
8. ELEVEN loads of laundry after we got home. Is there some kind of medal my kids could compete for in multiple clothing changes? S'more attacks, mud wrestling, full-contact fishing--they can kill four pairs of socks/shorts in less than 8 hours each.
9. A week unplugged....leaves you with 63 e-mails. Yeesh.
Every year when these escapades are conceptualized we must suffer from temporary amnesia. Is it the pure oxygen from chemical-free greenery that spazes my brain? Are the deer telepathically glamoring me? What exactly is in that water? Then there was the "herb bread" we picked up at the roadside farm stand.....
I'm plotting out next summer already. Crazy.....utterly crazy.