Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Hell Has Another Name.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010.
Official Record.

Previously: Best Friend calls to initiate contact. Frivolous discussion about said friend's upcoming trip to Florida; beaches, swimsuits.... lovehandles. "Um.....shall we go for a walk this week, to exercise a bit?" she says. " There's a park near my house with a lake."
"Sounds lovely! Tuesday perhaps?"

Now to be absolutely fair, BF did indeed casually mention that it was five miles. As I tear up about eight in twenty minutes on my stationary bike every other day or so, I thought very little of this.

I pick her up in my blazer, we are dynamically jolly on our way to the lake.
My, that is quite a lake, eh?

We arrive and park, stashing coats in the back seat as the sun is gloriously shining, warming the 43* air to a delusional "warm spring day." I glance about....the women in the parking lot are...a bit intimidating. Folks, I'm wearing jeans. And old tennies. A t-shirt with some bar logo on it and a sweater I often paint in--leaving it dabbed here and there with various pigment additions. These other women have apparently stepped out straight from Shape magazine. Glamorous athletic outfits with glowing piping and detail. Hell, they have matching shoes and headbands! (when did flashdance come back in? Oh wait--those are ear warmers...) They're flipping bouncy pony tails as they tuck designer ipods into tiny waistbands...I hate them.

Mile 1

Picturesque. Blazing sunshine glints off the ice, regal geese meandering through the grass, we stride; long steps and deep breaths. We throw back our heads and laugh, jaunting along, giggling at the construction guys that are actually getting into wet suits. (for some reason they were into the lake under the, insanity?) Nonplussed, we parade on. The clouds are so fluffy...

Mile 2

Slight wheezing. BF requests that I slow down. So thoughtless of me! Of course, my dear...I'm six feet tall and darling Ag is five foot foot three, completely unfair there. We notice the geese rather stink. We chuckle as we comment that every runner passing us looks to be in pain. Ha, ha, what IS their problem? Is that a hill? My goodness.

Mile 3

The chafing begins. Perhaps they could post a warning, "G-strings are highly unrecommended for long ventures." There was that awkward sideways step with a hop as I try to inconspicuously grab the string through my jean pocket. Ag: "Thats why they make active wear." Wench. "Who's idea was this?" "I don't know, but she's dead meat."

Mile 4

Oh. My. God. *gasp* "Is that the end of the lake?" That's just where the trail takes off up the MOUNTAIN there and then bends to the right, circles around and then we have to go all the way back down the other side. Damn geese shit is everywhere! There is now a distinct burning sensation in my hip joints. I'm seriously considering hitching. There is a nice mother and children walking a sweet dog coming our way. We're passing. I smile....perhaps it was more of a grimace as she immediately put one child behind her protectively. Ag: "She's got car keys around her neck. You grab the keys, I'll take out the kids and we'll drive back to our car!" Sheer panic on the woman's face. I smack Ag, "Quit scaring the pedestrians!" In the distance I hear the woman say, "Now THAT is why you should never talk to strangers!" Dear Lord, we've become today's lesson in stranger danger.

Mile 5

I'm now serious about hitching. My right calf has seized. I joke about a ride and some pervy 55 year old man on a bench gets up, "Hey baby, I'll give you a ride." Ag: "Walk FASTER DAMMIT!" I consider replying. But I cannot breathe.

The parking lot.

I'm dragging a leg. Ag sounds like a thrashing grouper. We're nearly crawling and she says, "I know this hairbrained idea was mine, but I'm the crazy one in this relationship here--you approved it! You're like MANAGEMENT!"

This morning I can hardly move. I made it down for coffee...and nearly had a seizure trying to put my socks on.
I'm firing management.


Shrinky said...

Oh God, this was so funny, sorry to laugh at your pain, but you paint the scene so well! I loved the stranger danger example you lent to the hapless mother, she will probably wear a whistle from here on out (giggle).

Ten out of ten for showing willing, what can I say? You are a braver woman than I am..

Jen said...

That was an awesome story. "Dear Lord, we've become today's lesson in stranger danger." My favorite line! So...are you going back tomorrow? You'll be better prepared. ;-)

Suzanne said...

So funny! One word... "Advil!" :-)

chris said...

this made my day... too funny

Danielle said...

This has me rolling! Stranger danger. You are funny!

Simply Suthern said...

Perhaps the divers were there to pull another BF with a lovely idea out of the lake. Suspect seen leaving scene cursing the inventor of G strings. News at 6:00. Great story.

Chantel said...

Shrinky--Dear God, my face on a whistle with the red slash...

Jen--taking tequila and advil.

Suzanne--saved my life!

Chris--lol, as long as my agony makes someone laugh!

Danielle--I half expect warning posters "Do NOT pick up crazy hiker women..."


Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

Don't stop now. Get back out there. Keep moving. Make us all proud. And by us, I mean me. The person that sends the teenager out to the mailbox, cause I don't want to walk to it...

Therese said...

Ha! I love it. Sorry, but I loved your pain :)

I wrote a while ago about an "accidental run" I went on one day - similar tale to yours. It made me declare that Project Fit was to start immediately, but alas...

You've inspired me to get out there and make it BURN!!

Therese said...

Ha! I love it. Sorry but I chuckled at your pain :)

I wrote a while ago about a similar situation where I found myself on an "accidental run".

You've inspired me to get out there again and make it BURN!!

Lola Sharp said...

G-strings and pervs, stained sweater and scaring of children...were you spying on me? Good times, good times!

I LOVED this post!!


Tgoette said...

LOL! I am so with you! All the stationary bike riding and treadmills I do at the gym gave me no protection as I had to traipse around the up-and-down city streets of San Francisco the other day. Talk about sore! I can only imagine it wearing a G-string. LOL! You have my undying admiration! A very funny and pleasurable read! Great job!

Mom et al said...

Too funny! While I applaud your efforts, I have to agree with your BF...activewear is your friend!!! Embrace!!!

Jessica said...

A G-string? LMAO! sorry, but the visual was too funny. :)

Blackberry Jam Cafe said...

Fun story (sorry!). Stopping by from Friday Follow - and I'm so glad I found you! I'm now following so I don't miss anything.

Sarah Lynne said...

Happy Friday!! I am a New Follower!!


dustinnikki said...

Hi, Happy Follow Friday! I'm your newest follower!


Eclipsed said...

Happy Friday Follow! I got winded just reading this.

joeandbridge said...

Hi there! Just popping in to follow you from Friday Follow. I'd love for you to come follow me! Have a great weekend!

Bridgette Groschen
The Groschen Goblins

Hil'Lesha said...

Happy Follow Friday!

Please check out my blog at

Stefany said...

LMAO! Walking that far can be quite a feat. I am glad you lived. ;)

I am following you now via Friday Follow. I would love for you to stop by and see me.

Mimi said...

So fun reading this post! You are a hoot!

Thanks for dropping by my Retro Weight Watchers Blog and leaving a comment for me. Hope you keep coming back for more fun!

Freely Living Life said...

Hi there!!

We found you through the FF and are now following your blog. Come on over and visit us when you get a free moment. Have a fantastic weekend! ((hugs)) <3

Ann said...

No G-Strings for my next walk. Got it!

Now go take some ibuprofen and ice up. Tomorrow looks like a good day for a bike ride ;->

(You're fantastic! Have I told you that already?)

Dina said...

First blog I read this morning hehehehe, I'm sorry to laugh at your expense, hahahaha but, *snort* I have so been where you are. I did a steep hike up "wind Mountain" 10,000 feet up, not knowing what MY best friend was getting us into. I was in so much pain, we had to walk down the mountain backwards because it was easier.
Many hugs to you as you recuperate!

Lola Sharp said...

Has the chafing laid you up?

I'm missing you. I want more posts!! You are my go-to girl for keepin' it real. I hope the weather just has you frolicking about, scaring wee children and their vapid mothers.
(and go commando next time)


Chantel said...

Just a foot note, my lovely ladies--I have recovered! Enough to purchase new undies before next week's fabulous re-play....dear Lord.

And for you, darling Lola...midnight ramblings posted. Xox

Laffylady said...

Bwhahahah...Ive been there right with ya..."we think we can".."we think we can"..Lol...great descriptions..!!